Officer, My Toddler Assaulted Me

So I don’t know about anyone else, but since Donovan started walking, his tolerance for me has decreased dramatically.  The kid gets a little bit of independence and it’s all, ‘Get outta my way with that snuggle nonsense lady! There are things I need to destroy!’  We have gone through several different phases of abuse since his mobility has increased, and let me tell you, each one is more violent… or inappropriate than the last.

IMG_0583Phase 1:  This phase started about the same time that Donovan started crawling around; the Pinching phase.  This was the introductory phase into the life of parental abuse I now live in and have come to accept.  This was by far the most mild stage, but it seemed so severe when it was happening.  The perfect little cherub baby I had been caring for now found joy in rolling the most tender skin on the back of my arms and my neck in between his tiny little fingers and squeezing until… DAMN IT!  It really hurt and he was not bothered in the least if you let our a yelp or swatted his hand away.

Luckily (or maybe not so lucky for everyone who is victim to his abuse), Donovan outgrew Phase 1 quickly, so on to the next…

IMG_0108Phase 2:  This began when Little Man started getting teeth; the biting phase.  Those new, little chompers were getting a hold of everything; your finger, your shirt, a shoulder, a dog’s foot, a log at the beach… Literally, everything.  And of course with this phase comes more pain, and oh, the pain… Let me tell you, there is no pain like the pain of  having your nipple bit by a human who doesn’t know what STOP means. I must have made some sort terrible noise that scared him through and through because that happened once and only once.

To everyone’s relief, once he became accustomed to his new ivories the biting subsided and it was on to something else.

Phase 3:  Donovan (unfortunately for me) started to walk pretty early, and when he started walking he started to get really frustrated really quickly; the hitting, punching, kicking, throwing, overall assault phase.  This pretty much encompasses all sorts of bodily harm that were neglected by previous phases.  Tragically for all innocent bystanders; humans, dogs, cats, stuffed animals… really anyone or anything is fair game when it comes to Donovan’s battery.  This phase by far the worst, not only because of the bruises and split lips I have received due to the wrath of D, but because I know he can understand just about everything I say to him (‘Go get your shoes’-got ’em ‘Bring that to mommy please’-done), but he still can’t communicate to me what he wants (point here, point there, ‘Ehhhhhh!!’ – nope, sorry, don’t know that one).  IMG_0435It can get rather aggressive at times; Grunt, I pick him up, I get punched in the face… I change his diaper or put on his shoes and I get kicked… Ehh, point, I hand him the toy he pointed at, the toy gets thrown at my head.  I try to reprimand him and say in the best mom-like voice I can, ‘No, Donovan we do not… (insert assault type)’.  The response I get from that is one of two things, either the most phony cry you could imagine followed by creepy diabolical laughter, or I get one more smack to the face followed by that same heinous laughter.  Not bothered at all by a scolding… I can’t wait for the terrible twos!

Now that we have covered all of the violent bodily harm that he causes on an all too regular basis… the final, and weirdest phase…

Phase 4:  So about a month ago I stopped breastfeeding (I know, how terrible of me! How could I do such a thing?!? Save it.), unsurprisingly Donovan had bonded with the boobies and to not have them given to him on a regular basis anymore brought something out of him; the groping phase.  This kid has always been a lover, and sometimes he can be a little… forceful… when it comes to distributing his love.  He creates kissing circles, going round and round smooching everyone as many times as he can.  IMG_0278He will also try to go full on make out with you if he’s feeling some type of way, he will grab the sides of your face and go in for a big wet one and never come up for air until you pry his little monkey hands from your face.  This fondling thing is on another level though.  This is a warning to anyone who has breasts at all, no matter the size or shape, if you pick my child up be prepared for his hand to immediately go down your shirt.  He will rub and massage your chest, never letting one boob get too lonely because he is constantly switching between the two.  This gets extremely awkward, especially in public places because my child is a little groping creep.  He will make eye contact with someone in the grocery store or the pharmacy or anywhere, then shove his hand down my shirt to get a fist full of mom boob all while keeping constant eye contact with this poor stranger who is now probably really weirded out.  Why not just remove his hand from your shirt?  Ah!, great question, I am going to refer you back to Phase 3.  If I removed that hand, or tell him to stop, those stone cold eyes that were locked on that oddly hypnotized stranger will turn to me and with a completely straight face, before I can react, POW!, a quick one-two to the face and the hand is back down my shirt and he is looking for another audience member to lock eyes with.

So that’s it, my life summarized into the 4 stages of assault inflicted by my toddler… Hopefully the years to come won’t add to this list any further because retaliatory blows are frowned upon…


  1. I absolutely love your writing. I am sitting here laughing out loud! Even though I am not a mommy, I can totally picture the struggle and it is so refreshing to hear the truth – it makes the prospect of becoming a mom one day a lot less daunting! <3


    1. Thanks Liz! I owe it all to you! Had you not kicked my butt into gear I’d still be talking about this, thanks to you it’s come to reality.


  2. Love that little Donovan monster – this is so great Bridget! Bookmarked for train entertainment- thanks Lizzy for sending me the link today!!



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